i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
