At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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