I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
