Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
