Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
