The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
