You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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