Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
