I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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