Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
