Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
