In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
