I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
