I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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