If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
love makes seman taste better
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
