matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
