seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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