I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want to make out with him forever
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
