I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We are all done wearing pants today
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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