Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
