Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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