you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
