Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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