In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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