Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
