There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
