Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
