I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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