life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
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so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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