maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
