I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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