3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
