Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize