I'm really into asian looking animals
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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