And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
