It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
