If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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