Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
