One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We need to get me chipped asap
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
