We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
