I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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