I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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