She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
as a side note pls kill me
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