This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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