Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
