dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.