Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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