Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
