the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
