just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
