I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need to sanitize my soul.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT