I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
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I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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