I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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