I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
