There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
